The beginning of a relationship is usually magical. It's that feeling of thinking about the other 24 hours a day; hope that the weekend will come soon so you can meet again; Plan a romantic dinner for Saturday, a movie for Sunday, among many other plans to be closer to the desired person.
But this is also a phase when men and women are still getting to know each other more deeply, sharing ideas; starting not only a relationship, but also a relationship that should be of friendship, respect and complicity.
And precisely because this is a phase of mutual knowledge, it is common to want to enchant the partner, show his qualities, his thoughts on different subjects, his good ideas etc. But it is crucial, above all, to reveal yourself to others exactly as you are.
"The most important thing is that people do not create unrealistic self-images in order to please each other," says Maria Cristina Gomes, clinical psychologist who does individual, couple and family care, and Personare professional.
Each person brings to a new relationship all that they have lived so far and that is what makes them unique and special. Certain initial masks may be inevitable, but they will not be sustained for long. Acting on our principles and showing how we really are to each other is essential for anyone who wants to maintain a lasting relationship built on strong, secure foundations, ”adds the professional.
“This idea reminds me of a phrase from Fernando Pessoa:“ As long as we do not go through the pain of our own loneliness, we will continue to seek each other in other halves. To live for two, before, it is necessary to be one ??, comments Maria Cristina.
But it's important to point out that being yourself doesn't necessarily mean talking about everything that comes to mind, telling your new boyfriend all your plans for the future, remembering facts and more facts from your past, exposing, from one moment to the next. , all your points of view, etc. All of this can negatively convey the idea that you are "in a hurry" and that you are seeking, in a way, in this new relationship, the solution to all your problems, "the meaning that was missing in your life".
It is impossible to generalize, after all, every woman has her own way of acting, her way of talking and her own ideas. Just like men, who are unique and act differently in the face of a new relationship. But is it a fact that there are some more? Delicate? that don't need to be dealt with at the beginning of a relationship? when you are expected to still know each other, learning to respect each other's boundaries.
With all this in mind, here is a list of six things that generally do not need to be discussed at the beginning of a relationship.
1. I want to get married and have children
This does not mean you have something wrong with your plans. Many women, by the way, intend to date, later marry and have children. However, this is a type of subject that need not be discussed at the beginning of the relationship.
If we think of the beginning of dating as a time when women and men are at the height of their passion and getting to know each other, perhaps some more "scary" issues, such as marriage and children, may be afterwards. After all, if the couple is still getting to know each other, there has not been much time for these future plans, nor is it yet known if there will be a "future", says Maria Cristina.
The psychologist points out that it is important to enjoy this pleasurable moment of the beginning of a relationship, in which passion and desire predominate. However, these issues will need to be addressed if the relationship continues to last longer. Some people will decide whether or not they want to have children after being in a serious relationship on the verge of getting married, and this can lead to major conflicts in the relationship ?, he adds.
2. You're way better than my ex boyfriends
As much as it may sound like a compliment to many people, this kind of comparison is usually not welcome at the beginning of a relationship.
This does not mean that talking about ex-boyfriend (s) is forbidden, often the partner himself may end up asking one or another question regarding their previous relationships. However, in the case of statements like "you are much better than all my old boyfriends", it is worth asking yourself first if it is really necessary to talk about it.
Maria Cristina Gomes points out that one must be careful about unnecessary comparisons. “No one wants to be compared to each other all the time, even if it's for the better. Thus speaking of past relationships always in a negative way may give the impression that if something goes wrong, the present may be the subject of the same complaints in the future.In addition, those who listen to criticism may feel that they must always be good enough to be able to meet the expectations of others ?, explains the psychologist.
3. You look a lot like my ex
Phrases like "you look a lot like my ex," "my old boyfriend liked that too," among others, can also cause an unpleasant mood between the couple starting a relationship.
Of course everyone has a past. As the psychologist Maria Cristina has already pointed out, each person brings to a new relationship everything that they have lived so far, which makes them unique. But perhaps talking about an old boyfriend over and over again gives the current partner the idea that you would still like to be with your ex.
4. I want you to tell me all about your past
Some people tend to be more jealous, but in order for their relationships to move on, they will have to learn, above all, to respect each other's space / boundary. In this sense, insisting or even demanding that the new boyfriend talk about details of his previous relationships may sound very negative.
Every woman, for example, must acknowledge that she has a past that cannot be changed, and therefore know that her current partner also has her past. "That is, before the current relationship, there were other people, who were, or not, important to each one, at a certain stage," says Maria Cristina.
But the important thing is the experience with the current relationship. Care should be taken with some exaggerations, such as asking the partner to tear up all photos of previous relationships etc. This may be a sign of great insecurity and can lead to later conflicts ?, highlights the psychologist.
5. No man is good
Generalizations like this? probably based on past disappointments or third party relationships? They can hardly be welcomed by a man, especially at the beginning of a relationship.
To say that no man is good? It implies, to some extent, that you do not believe in this relationship that is just beginning, since, according to the statement, your new boyfriend cannot be a trustworthy person either.
6. I don't like your friend (s)
As much as you have known a friend of your boyfriend and have not identified with him, think twice before talking about it. Is this judgment not being hasty?
Chances are you will have the opportunity to meet this friend of your boyfriend again during the courtship, and the bad impression may pass.
But if, in fact, you don't like one or more of your boyfriend's friends, remember first that you have no right to interfere with his opinion of other people. Try to understand the reasons that make them good friends and above all, respect that.
If you still decide to comment to your boyfriend about your thoughts about his friends, do it? and in due time? preferably when he asks you that question himself. That way you will not be hiding what you feel and will still be respecting your partner's space and choices.
As already noted, it is not possible to generalize. Each person is one way. Therefore, it is not possible to state with certainty what should or should not be said to others. But, of course, all of the above tips are guidelines that can / should be considered.
And so, acting on your personality and values, and always using common sense and respect for your neighbor's space, all sorts of issues will naturally flow between you and your new boyfriend at the right time.
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- Dating, Relationships