A relationship that ends suddenly, without explanation and leaves you not knowing what happened. This is ghosting, an expression used to represent the behavior of someone who resolves to end a relationship without any conversation or warning, just cutting off all contact and avoiding the other person.
The term comes from the English language and is derived from the word "ghost", in literal translation, ghost. The nomenclature goes straight to the point: when a person practices ghosting, he mysteriously disappears, just like a ghost. Can the situation also happen in different types of relationships? long-term dating, friendships and even marriages - but, it's more common in recent love relationships.
"The person who practices ghosting usually has a tendency to seek superficial and fast relationships, avoids conflict situations and has difficulty assuming long and lasting relationships," comments clinical psychologist Daniela Knapp Vargas.
When one part of the relationship disappears, the other person becomes helpless: she has to deal with herself on the end of a relationship that ended without warning and without her knowing the reasons for it to end. If facing an end is complicated, going through such a situation can leave even deeper marks.
Ghosting can cause a lot of suffering to the person. The sense of doubt and self-doubt persist, and the ghosts of insecurity are torment. Can a person become depressed and feel apathetic and melancholy, useless and outraged ?, points out psychologist Breno Rosostolato.
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Daniela points out that the victim of ghosting can also suffer from self-esteem and have future difficulties to get involved in new relationships. In addition, the psychologist points out that the victim is not the only one who has sequelae: for those who practiced ghosting there are also consequences, because they will have to deal with the worry, remorse and guilt of having ended a relationship in this way. ? he says.
How to identify ghosting
? It is difficult to describe signs because ghosting can happen in different situations, with different types of people ,? points Daniela. Still, certain behaviors and contexts may indicate a ghosting situation. Check out:
1. Interruption of all contact
The first way to realize ghosting is if the person disappears completely. Every form of contact is interrupted: you can't find her in person, she doesn't answer calls, she doesn't answer messages.
Can this happen overnight? and that's what often happens. The person ceases communication without expressing problems, discomfort or any other sign of discontent with the relationship.
2. Exclusion on social networks
Next to the cut of contact comes the exclusion on social networks. If technology facilitates communication and helps to get closer, in ghosting the person also seeks to interrupt these calls. So she breaks friendship on Facebook, stops following on Twitter and Instagram, blocks her email address and her WhatsApp contact, deletes photos of her that were posted in any medium.
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3. The reason for the disappearance is not explained
With the sudden disappearance of the person and cutting off any form of contact the possibility of asking the reason is nullified. Thus, the person who is "ghosted", that is, the one who is abandoned, does not know what happened or what led to the end of the relationship.
4. Fear of serious relationships or rejection
According to Daniela, people who have difficulty taking on serious relationships or are afraid of being rejected may fall into ghosting. Some people when they realize that the relationship is not going well or think that the other will end the relationship, simply vanish to avoid the situation of being rejected. Thus, they prefer to end the relationship before the other ends. Others are accustomed to superficial involvement and when they need to make a commitment to dating, engagement and marriage, they get scared and end before the relationship deepens ?, explains the psychologist.
It is noteworthy that ghosting happens when contact is consciously interrupted by one of those involved in the relationship. The individual makes the decision to disappear and to no longer communicate with the other party. Cases where communication is not possible by external factors do not configure ghosting.
How to deal with ghosting
Once ghosting is identified in a relationship, addressing the situation becomes necessary.This kind of breakdown affects people in different ways and can be especially complex for emotionally fragile people.
At first, the person will tend to deny what happened and think that the other has lost the phone or is unable to communicate. When she becomes aware of what happened she will have to deal with the pain of the breakup without having many explanations ?, says Daniela.
Each has a different way of overcoming the end of a relationship, including ghosting. Even so, some general steps can help and make the process easier. Check out:
1. Accept termination
"First, the person must accept the ending and assume that he or she may never have the ending he or she imagined for this relationship," points out the psychologist.
If you identify ghosting behavior in a relationship, you must accept that this is the end. Having to assimilate such an ending is frustrating, but only by admitting the ending can you start moving on. Try to get rid of expectations that the person will reappear to explain that the relationship is "suspended".
2. Stop Attempts to Resume Contact
Part of accepting the end is to stop attempts to resume broken contact. Continually looking for someone who doesn't want to talk can trap you in the situation, making overcoming even harder.
A good tip is to set a time limit or number of retries for communication and, if you have no answer, end calls. Stop phoning, texting, and even checking someone's social networks or asking friends and acquaintances.
3. Avoid seeking answers and justifications
When ghosting happens one gets in the dark, not knowing what triggered the other's disappearance. And since there is no contact with the other party, there is no way of knowing what actually caused her to end the relationship that way.
Therefore, avoid getting caught up in the search for reasons that might justify what happened: this will only raise a number of hypotheses and doubts that cannot be answered or proven and that often do not correspond to reality.
4. Don't take blame
It is important to remember that it is not your fault; therefore, avoid finding in yourself motives that could trigger the other person's disappearance. • Try to understand why the other did it and understand that this behavior is related to their personal issues and not to you. Be discerning to know what is yours and what is on the other. Do not absorb the limitations and difficulties of your ex? Advises Breno.
5. Work on self-esteem
Often victims of ghosting suffer from self-esteem and seeking improvements in this regard can be of great help in overcoming the situation. Rescue self-esteem and value yourself. Bet on activities you enjoy doing and focus on other aspects of life ?, suggests Daniela. So try to focus on things that are good for you, engage in your favorite hobbies, and turn your attention to the dear people in your life.
I mourned someone who still lives but who chose to exclude me from his life. Eventually I accepted that that was her decision, even without knowing why, and moved on. It was traumatic, but it wasn't my choice. I could only accept. (A.D., 27 years old)
Desiring a way to protect yourself from experiencing this is natural, but professionals make it clear that ghosting cannot be prevented; After all, there is no way to predict or control someone else's actions. Still, keeping an open and transparent dialogue from the start is important to the health of the relationship.
? Dialogue is important. Talk and be honest by exposing what you like and dislike. Each must respect their individuality, but especially respect the limits and opinions of the other. Demystifying expectations and idealizations is necessary to minimize frustrations and disappointments ?, points out Breno.
Maintaining open communication between both parties will help you understand if you are on the same page, if you want and expect the same things from the relationship. Reflecting and asking yourself what kind of relationship you want and who you will share it with is also part of the process.
• People who have often experienced the ghosting experience need to stay alert. In these cases, a deeper reflection on their choices is necessary, since they are repeating the same harmful pattern of relationship ?, says Daniela.
Even with all care, ghosting can happen. Remember that in the end, the other person's behavior is not in your hands, so you shouldn't take any blame if that happens.
Learn how to end a relationship with dignity
Dealing with the end of a relationship is never easy, but you must face the breakup frankly and clearly. To end is to give an end, to put an end point so that all parts can start over.
If you are thinking of breaking up, don't be tempted to disappear without explanation: this may seem like the simplest alternative, but it can have consequences for both the other person and you.
• Suffering from the breakup is inevitable. Some suffer more than others, but it will always happen. Worse is the suffering of doubt, lack of sincerity, lack of courage ?, comments Breno.
Check out some tips from professionals to end a relationship with dignity:
1. Termination must happen in person
The idea of ending a relationship without facing the other person may be tempting, but it is not the best solution. When you decide it is time to end, do not disappear and also avoid doing so by telephone or messages; Ideally, have a straight talk with the other party, eye to eye. “However embarrassing and difficult the situation is, it is the best way to give real importance to that person who invested in the relationship,” says Daniela.
2. Explain Your Reasons
Daniela points out that, at this moment, sincerity is fundamental. Explain the reasons why you decided to end the relationship bluntly and without lies. Clarify the situation and leave no doubt in the air. Be firm and resolute in a delicate way. Don't let it be understood that there is a possibility back if there is no chance. Can this hurt the person even more ?, suggests the expert.
3. Listen to what the other has to say
At the time of conversation, remember that speaking is important, but it is also essential to know how to listen. “Ending the one you lived for a while is talking tote to tete, and out of respect for both, talking and listening. And talking is always being in front of the other's verse, so be prepared to learn from what the other has to say ?, points out Breno.
Lastly, if you've been ghosted, look for the best way to overcome and restore your emotional health. When you feel too weak, do not hesitate to seek support from others and professional help.
Breaking a relationship through ghosting may seem like the quickest and easiest way out of having to deal with the ending embarrassment. But disappearing without explanation can leave deep marks, create a sense of frustration and represent a rather traumatic experience. Should communication be a constant ally in a relationship of any kind? either at the beginning, in development or at the end.
No closure break up. Ghosting, silence treatment. Narcissists and sociopaths. (March 2024)
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