How to deal with grief

Talk about death It is always a difficult subject, especially in a society that dreams more and more of eternal youth (aesthetic treatments) and, of course, of new technologies in medicine. We fight and ignore death and forget that it is a natural process of life and that everyone, without exception, will pass.

In ancient societies death was commonplace, children died of diseases that are now eradicated and young adults died of simple appendicitis. Of course, the families were larger, the neighbors were closer, and the funerals made at home.

The family has changed and decreased, we can use the large centers as an example, where couples choose not to have children or have only one. We no longer have time to sit on the sidewalk with our neighbors to talk, alias we don't even have time to meet our neighbors. Thus our love is directed to the few, and the less we have, the greater the pain of loss.

The 5 Stages of Mourning

Lose someone it hurts (a lot), the feeling is that our heart will tear, it will stop and we will not be able to move on. At this moment we are in shock and it is not possible to see a way out of so much suffering and so it is important to accept the pain and experience it (cry, sadden, scream, etc.) and not? Hide? or? muffle? the feelings, because at some point they will surface. The shock is the first of 5 stages of grief, the others are:

  • Denial: It is a defense mechanism of the person that leads them to not believe or not want to believe what happened. Usually the person uses expressions like "I don't believe this happened to me", "can't be possible". The impression is that the dead person enters at any moment through the door.
  • Fault: It is a very common feeling. People begin to think of everything they could have said or done to prevent this death.
  • Depression: Stage in which sudden changes in emotions occur (crying spells, depressive moments, anger, isolation). Although worrying, it is an essential phase for the person to make a frank analysis of what happened.
  • Acceptance: This is where the person becomes aware of what has happened and prepares to return to their activities.

Despite all bereaved person go through these five phases, each will have its own reaction and time. It is important to say that the death It does not only bring about the loss of a loved one, but of all the context in which they lived, such as house chores, payments, tours, etc.

It is common to find widowed ladies who have never been to a supermarket or who do not know the bank card password, as this was the deceased husband's assignment. That is why death always brings a fresh start where we must learn without the help of the departed person.

In many cases the pain of loss is aggravated by the existence of some kind of conflict, where there was no good coexistence. It's a pretty tricky situation, because usually a simple? I'm sorry? would solve the situation.

Overcoming a Loss

Of course the pain of loss will always exist, but should I agree with the song? Parents and Children? by Renato Russo, where he says that “we need to love people like there is no tomorrow”, because care and respect throughout life will help to experience death in a more serene way, without the weight and guilt of what was not. done or what was badly spoken.

In addition, we must accept and talk about death and this includes having independence and not leaving life in the hands of the other person (banks, shopping, etc.), when the greater the dependency the greater the difficulty of resuming life; talk about brain death and organ donation (many organs are not donated and many other lives are lost because this is simply not talked about); inform other people of life insurance, belongings, etc .; leave no plans and dreams for later and etc. The more we talk and resolve issues while we are alive, the more natural death will be when it comes.

So we can say that there is no miracle remedy to help us overcome a lossThe only solution is to face it and gradually build a new story without guilt or remorse.

Time will take care of bringing a new store in the neighborhood, a new friend, a new outfit, a different haircut, a new job, new experiences and so life goes its natural course, not forgetting of course the good memories that the person left.

"Pain is bearable when we can believe it will end, not when we pretend it does not exist." (Allah Bozarth-Campbell)

The Grieving Process: Coping with Death (April 2021)

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