How and when to tell your child that he is adopted

Adopting is undoubtedly an act of love that transforms not only the life of the adoptee but also the adopter. But of course, is it an act that carries its responsibilities? and among the main ones is the need to? open the game? and talk about adoption with the adopted child or adolescent.

This is a topic that causes many doubts and even fears in people who have already adopted or are considering adopting. How and when to tell your child that he is adopted? That is the big question.

There is certainly no standard answer, as each case is unique, but it is a fact that counting on adoption is a necessity. So keeping that in mind is the first step to acting and doing everything as naturally as possible, just as it should be.

To count on adoption is, above all, to allow the child or adolescent to know his or her own history and thus to live with it without trauma or taboos. As much as, depending on the case, at first glance, the information may shock and even generate certain annoyances, it is worth remembering that the truth is always the best way.

When to tell the child that she is adopted?

It is difficult to speak at an appropriate age or time, as each case has its particularities. But it is a fact that the sooner the adopted child knows the truth, the better!

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For Lizandra Arita, a clinical and institutional psychologist, this must be a normal, natural process that is part of a child's life from a young age in a metaphorical way. One should not wait for a specific moment, such as a ritual or a special celebration to be told. It must be a serious matter, but not a taboo?

"Ideally, it should be said naturally to the child that she is not a biological daughter, who was born from the belly of another woman, but who came to this family and is considered a daughter, just not born by biological pathways," adds the psychologist.

In this sense, it is interesting to "fit this subject when it fits". When the family is watching a movie that talks about it, for example, comments Lizandra. "When they go to pray, if they do this ritual, can parents take the opportunity to" thank the person who brought the child into the world? " That is, can they find ways to give examples, talking about adoption in a true, light and transparent way, without it being heavy?

“I always teach moms to do this, too, primarily from the unconscious part, that is, when the child sleeps, in the evening talk. As soon as the child sleeps, in the first few minutes, the mother approaches the child's ear and explains the situation. She apologizes for something bad that has happened, says she loves the child very much, who accepts her as a daughter, says the child can naturally accept this condition, with love, gratitude, full acceptance, no grudges, forgiving? the psychologist.

It is worth noting that, depending on the age of the child, she may not yet clearly understand the subject. But still, it should be introduced into the family's daily life, as over the years and maturity of the child, it will probably have made all the difference, and she will begin to better understand the whole context and deal naturally with the fact.

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From the age of two, for example, children are beginning to hear the stories being told with more interest, a great opportunity for the family to continue to use fiction cases as examples, such as children's characters from cartoons or films that have been adopted. and are very loved and happy in their families.

And when the son is already older?

It's still possible? tell? For sure! ÜI think the truth always fits and everywhere. Above all, because it is the story of the person. I believe she has a right to know from her parents what her own story was like. I think the dialogue works in all situations ?, highlights Lizandra.

However, letting yourself talk about adolescent adoption or, if, as a teenager, your child begins to question, connect the dots and find out on their own, can be very complex because adolescence is a time of great emotional instability and revolt ?, comments the psychologist.

Therefore, the need to talk about the subject as soon as possible is reinforced. But if, for whatever reason, this has not yet been done, it is time to reflect and do so.If parents are very insecure in this process, a good tip may be to look for a psychologist or other professional who can help them with this important and necessary task of opening themselves and telling the truth to their son or daughter (who is no longer a child). little).

The possible reactions of the adopted son to the truth

It is impossible to predict what the adopted person's reaction will be, even because it all depends on the age at which the child was adopted, the current age and the circumstances under which the truth was revealed. But in general, it can react as follows:

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Frighten, feel rejected: ÜMaybe the reaction is not so good, of course. Especially if she has never heard of it before, can she be scared, can she feel rejected, can she feel fear and insecurity ?, says Lizandra. "However, it is worth talking frankly and welcoming the adopted son, showing that he is a son, that love is the same, that this is his family and that everything will continue as before," he adds.

Feeling angry: If the situation of adoption has not been spoken from the beginning, naturally, and respecting the child's story, she may be angry. And the more anger she feels, especially in her teenage years, she may want to seek out biological parents to assault, offend, and hurt foster parents, because she knows this is the big point of confrontation. Does she know this is what foster parents might fear? Comments the psychologist. "So the ideal is not to let this delicate time come to open the situation, because the reactions of foster children can be aggressive and hurt a lot," he adds.

Feeling confused but welcomed: Especially if the truth has been spoken naturally to the child from a young age, is it likely to have a good acceptance? Although you feel a little sad to think that? Was rejected? By your birth parents, you will probably feel gratitude and happiness for being where you are today.

To question: The child or adolescent may want to know more and more about their history; who are your birth parents trying to understand why they put you up for adoption? At this time, the best way is to talk, talk openly about the subject and highlight the love she has received from the moment it was adopted.

These are just some of the possibilities, remembering that each case and personality of the child or adolescent are unique.

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For Lizandra, patience and love are keywords for the family to deal with the varied reactions that may arise from the adopted child. "They should show their son that they are still there, giving everything they always gave, supporting and welcoming," he says.

The psychologist also points out that adoptive parents must also leave the situation open in case the adopted child wants to meet their biological parents, after all this is part of her story. "Some questions lie dormant in the minds of adopted people and are very recurrent:" Why did you reject me, why didn't you want to be with me, what I did badly to abandon myself? These are very painful questions and the child needs to work out something internally to be able to live well with themselves and their foster family ?, explains Lizandra.

After telling the truth, regardless of the child's age, parents should be open to talk about it again if they want to. After all, once again, dealing with information as naturally as possible, without making it taboo, is the best way for the whole family to understand and live together.

TELLING MY 2 YEAR OLD SHE'S ADOPTED (April 2024)