Love and moments of crisis: how to deal with them?

It is very likely that you know a close friend or family member who has gone through a divorce proceeding. It is even possible that you have already had a separation yourself (either from a boyfriend, or from a husband).

Loving disagreements and the breakup of relationships are not just on movie screens, on TV, or on book pages. They are present in many people's daily lives, and perhaps that is why you have already stopped and wondered: what is wrong with today's relationships? Why did the old ones seem happier and more enduring?

Keila Oliveira, a psychologist, sexologist and sex therapist, points out that, in the past, marriage was a lifelong bond. Some marriages were even effected much more by a social convention than by a love and happiness goal. "Times have changed, of course, but the perception of eternity made spouses much more accommodating and patient with each other," he says.

Today, adds the professional, relationships are based much more on the pursuit of happiness than on social conventions. On the one hand, we have evolved a lot, because having happiness as the main goal is very important. However, on the other hand, self-happiness has often been evident in the face of partner happiness. And I believe that for a lasting relationship, the couple's happiness needs to be a priority ?, explains Keila.

Maria Cristina Gomes, a clinical psychologist who provides individual, couple and family care, draws attention to the fact that people are increasingly afraid of being alone. So when they believe they find the soul mate, they waste no time in running to the altar (or registry office). In most cases, these people have little relationship time and end up making the relationship official at the height of their passion ?, he says.

Psychologist Maria Cristina explains that at the beginning of a relationship, partners are still getting to know each other. “We often close our eyes to defects and just see what we like about each other. And when there is something that bothers us, we prefer to set aside rather than understand and resolve differences. The illusion is to believe that, over time, people change and so the relationship may be better in the future. But, the fact is, nobody changes anyone. Each one changes themselves according to their own perception of the need for change, he says.

Also, one of the main problems of current relationships is the lack of dialogue between the couple. "Often a good conversation in times of crisis or couple psychotherapy could prevent early separation (or even marriage)," says Maria Cristina.

Good Times vs. Bad Times

Within this context, a question arises: Should couples see their dating or marriage as a relationship that has its own highs? and "low", would there be fewer cases of separation?

I prefer to say that every couple can go through a crisis and face obstacles in their walk. Not so, too, when we're alone ?! Are we human beings and subject to experience crises and difficulties in our lives?, Says the psychologist Maria Cristina. “Added to this is one more person who lives on our side and also brings their own issues and difficulties into the relationship. Each brings a background of life and relational patterns that they learned from their families of origin. When they come together as a couple, can these patterns come up at times to be more elaborate? He adds.

Maria Cristina points out that there is no perfect relationship. “We all need to adjust to each other as we live together. Some couples fight a lot and can not overcome the moments of crisis, because they are always seeing in the other the cause of their problems. The main question you should always ask yourself is: what is my contribution to the relationship being this way ??, he says.

Psychologist Maria Cristina explains that people need to unite with the maturity to see that in the relationship, the two did not see one. Each must exist in the relationship; Man and woman remain two individuals who have come together to make a new way together. For this, there must be the understanding that each one has their responsibility to maintain this healthy relationship? "With that, when going through crises and difficulties, would stop accusing each other," he adds.

Keila Oliveira stresses that it is common, between a couple, there are divergences in attitudes, wants and tastes. "Living together requires patience, giving up some things and being very complacent," he says.

However, it is not uncommon for people to be disappointed in their partner as soon as the first disagreement or a simple disagreement arises.

This happens, according to psychologist Keila, because people are always looking for the? Perfect match? and they often expect from the other beyond what they can give. We think of giving up on the first difficulties and when we bump into the first defects. Consequence of modern tribulations and the motto that "the queue goes". We start to expect too much of a relationship and expect that if it doesn't work out, we will look for another and so on ?, he explains.

Keila Oliveira points out that, marital crises, periods of? High? and "low" can permeate the relationship over time. “But what sets long-term couples apart from those with shorter relationships is often the ability to understand each other's imperfections and mistakes and always try to correct themselves. Understanding that the other has defects that will not or cannot be changed may be the key to many ports, he says.

It is noteworthy that men and women are different, think and act in different ways. "Accepting and understanding the peculiarities of each sex is also important and helps to give intimacy and privacy," adds psychologist Keila.

The importance of dialogue

Each couple has their particular problems. However, some complaints are well known among most of them. ? He doesn't care about me ?; She complains too much; among other examples.

However, I note that the main difficulty is always beyond the complaint they bring to the office. Usually the problem is lack of dialogue. And dialogue is not talking and listening. Are both asking their questions and points of view, accepting to hear and understand the other as well ?, highlights the psychologist Maria Cristina.

The professional explains that, almost always, people do not want to assume their own difficulties and understand how they contribute to a problem in the relationship. “A good example would be the man who thinks the woman charges a lot and the woman who perceives the man as missing in the relationship. He will certainly justify himself by saying that he is like that because she charges him too much. She, in turn, will say that she needs to charge for him to position himself. They stand in this endless fight, as if in a revolving door. The problem will continue to recur and the relationship will continue to wear out until they realize that both are responsible for each other's attitude, he says.

Is it worth it?

Many people, in the midst of quarrels and disappointments with their partner, end up wondering if this relationship is really worth insisting on. Some ask their closest friends for advice and more advice, always wondering "if it is not time to leave the boat and go about your life differently".

But the answer to these questions, only the couple themselves can find.

Maria Cristina Gomes explains that discontent is not the only reason for ending a relationship, but an opportunity for the person to evaluate what is behind this feeling. There are many variables involved and all must be well worked out. However, I think a relationship needs to be pleasurable and bring happiness to both. And if the only thing it brings is pain and suffering, then you need to review this relationship ?, he says.

If there is still a desire to share the same path with each other, good therapy can help the couple to assess whether a healthy relationship is still possible. Otherwise, it is even preferable to break up a relationship that brings no positive feelings. Searching for the reasons for still being together even with a broken relationship is important even if a breakup occurs. Thus, it reduces the possibility of repetition of choices of partners who always act the same way in our lives, so that it is never possible to experience a healthy and happy relationship ?, highlights the psychologist Maria Cristina.

For Keila Oliveira, everything in life must be done in search of a balance. Hardly, I believe, can we be fully satisfied with each other. We are imperfect beings, and in this condition there is always an existential hole that we try to fill with each other. We give up certain things to gain others in return, even to gain peace and harmony. But does giving up what we want causes more suffering than satisfaction? If it makes us suffer too much or causes us stress, it's time to start wondering if this relationship is worth it?

Psychologist Keila concludes by saying that being human tells us that we will always suffer or have troubles, but we will also be happy and happy. If the latter makes the former worth it, we have a balance. But if we always suffer much more than we rejoice, our attitudes and attitudes need to be rethought and move to other planes, he says.

Therefore, being aware that no relationship is perfect; Which marital crises happen as well as personal problems - take us by surprise? It is easier to follow with a healthy and enjoyable relationship on both sides.

However, it is still crucial that people never get used to what seems exhausting to them.But yes, be aware that you also need to do your part? so that the relationship goes well, even before charging any kind of attitude of the other. For this, the best solution is always the dialogue.

Men and women should talk more, expose their feelings and desires with each other and, above all, be open to reviewing attitudes and behaviors. And when it seems too difficult for them to do it alone, they should not be afraid to seek help from a psychotherapist who will surely help them through their crises.

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