Open relationship: what it is and how to know if it works for you

That monogamy is a socially constructed concept few experts seem to disagree with. After all, it is far from the norm among animals, does not always cater to curiosity and the search for the new considered inherent to human beings and, it should be noted, sometimes seems doomed to frustration. 50% of men and 30% of women admit to having cheated on their partner at some point, according to research.

With that in mind, it may seem logical to look for other ways to relate, such as in an open relationship. For those wondering whether or not to choose this way of relating, the following content can help you find out if this choice is for you.

What is an open relationship

As with everything that tries to understand human diversity, there is no consensus when it comes to open relationships (or any other kind of relationship). But according to psychologist Silvana Bernardo, it is "a mutual agreement of freedom that the couple has to physically engage with other people."

In other words, the therapist Ana Vitória Lascala from the Café with Comadre project also says: "An open relationship is one in which you are not exclusively sexual and not affective," he explains.

And for her, this is where the consensus on the topic begins to gain complexity. • You cannot rule out the possibility that, in the middle of an open relationship, your partner is affectionately interested in someone else because you create intimacy. It's important to understand that sex is intimacy, period?

Also read: 11 Signs That You Care More About Your Relationship Than Your Partner

Not surprisingly, the therapist cites as one of the possible problems for this type of relationship knowing how to deal not only with her own expectations and those of her partner, but also with those she calls "satellite people". , that is, the people with whom you will be involved outside the relationship.

“It is assumed that the relationship with them will be purely physical. But how to ensure that this third person will have this balance? Can she begin to understand that she has a place in this relationship, starting to interfere directly or indirectly?

This does not mean that open relationships are impossible, it just means that they are not for anyone.

As a fundamental prerequisite for facing an open relationship, both experts cite good self-esteem as essential for more than one reason.

"Having a good self-esteem and self-confidence so that the person who gets involved with your partner does not threaten the previously established relationship is fundamental," says Silvana. "Otherwise, this will start to be a problem, either in a passive-aggressive or otherwise", adds Ana, who shares the same opinion.

Read also: 7 tips for getting back to sex with the same excitement as the beginning of the relationship

In addition, having your self-esteem up to date is also very important if things do not go as expected, that is, if your partner becomes affectionately interested in someone else.

"You have to be fine so you don't get martyred if it happens," says Ana, remembering that this is not just for open relationships. "In any relationship, you should never martyrdom yourself."

What is not an open relationship

Perhaps because it involves multiple sexual partners, which is still a taboo, for most people an open relationship is something that, in popular terms, could only be described as 'Mother Joan's house'. But it is the opposite of that.

• In an open relationship there are relative commitments that are pre-established by the couple, always remembering that involvement with others is something that occurs physically speaking. That is, the two must agree with this and getting involved with other people should respect the routine of that couple ?, explains Silvana Bernardo. Therefore it is important to understand that this type of relationship must also have its rules, as will be seen later.

For this reason, the therapist Ana Vitória Lascala also does not corroborate another stereotype about the open relationship that is the issue of detachment, since the parties still expect affective exclusivity. "The question is, 'Can I separate sex from affectivity?'" He says. Remembering that it is important that your partner, as well as the people with whom you are going to be involved, is also able to do this.

Also read: 15 Questions You Should Ask Yourself Before Ending a Relationship

Those who have never sought testimonials from those who are or have been in an open relationship may be surprised, for example, to find that they are jealous.But they rely on communication and trust in each other to get over the feeling.

And it is the jealousy that enters another widespread notion of open relationships, which is that they are a way to spice up and save the monogamous relationship.

According to Ana Lascala, people sometimes understand that loss of sexual interest is affecting the relationship as a whole. ? I understand the opposite: something is not going well and it affects the sexual side ?, signals.

Why have an open relationship

Well, but if the open relationship also has rules, it does not free us from jealousy and does not serve to save the relationship for two, why loads of water would you get into one?

Psychologist Silvana Bernardo believes that as long as it is decided in a healthy way between the couple, without impulsiveness, it can bring interesting benefits, such as the claim to individuality and empowerment.

Also read: 5 ways to ask for more space in a relationship without hurting another

Being able to give yourself sexual experiences with others without having that feeling of guilt afterwards is an important fact, as there is no betrayal, fights may be less frequent, as the feeling of freedom will be greater, and where there were demands and demands will take place a possible sense of personal autonomy? says Silvana.

Ana Lascala, for whom open relationships generally do not prove to be the best option, is usually quieter at the beginning of the relationship. "People begin to relate and agree that they will have an open relationship as a way to understand where this relationship will give, to frustrate less," he explains.

Both experts, however, agree that at the beginning or in the middle of the relationship, the important thing is to identify what is good for you. There are 7 billion people in the world and therefore that same number of personalities. I don't think it's impossible. The important thing is to understand each other's expectations and wonder if it works for you ?, says Ana.

5 key questions to work

"I believe that connoting rules, closed and unchanging titles of what a relationship should be like is not a healthy thing, because the human being has an incredible plurality and relationships can be a reflection of that too," says Silvana. Because, according to Ana Lascala, not even the real meaning of? Working out? It is as clear as it may seem.

Is it staying together forever? Is it growing and learning together with someone, regardless of whether they eventually go their own way?

But just as close relationships have some unspoken rules, an open relationship must also have rules to avoid suffering. The difference is that in this kind of relationship they should always be very well communicated.

Although the rules are unique to each couple, below are the key issues that are considered essential for the relationship to thrive:

1. Both must agree

It seems quite obvious in theory, but in practice, it is common for people to come across things, not just an open relationship, to please or to win back the other. • Giving up what you want to fulfill another's desire is a recipe for disaster. In no instance of the relationship does this kind of thinking work ?, says Ana.

2. Fair play with stakeholders

As stated above, it is impossible to guarantee that the people you will be involved with will also know how to separate sex from affection. But the least you can do is communicate them so as not to generate expectations.

3. Honesty between the parties

One of the good points raised by those who have had a healthy open relationship is that while talking about attraction and jealousy may be unwelcome in a closed relationship, in open relationships it is important that both be honest about it in order to deal with it. together.

"Some say, 'I want to be in an open relationship, but I don't want to know anything.' Is this person not ready for an open relationship ?, warns Ana.

4. Definition of other persons involved

The topic may sound somewhat bureaucratic, but even if you decide that there will be no restrictions in that regard, it is important to talk about it.

For Silvana, even deciding whether or not to know who the other partner has will depend on what is comfortable for each couple. As a reflection, Ana says that it is common that the rule is not to go out with people from their social life. Not only because normally there is already some affection, but also because it may cause embarrassment at some point.

5. Safe sex, always!

No need to explain, right? It is not because the relationship is open that he may be more exposed to sexually transmitted diseases or unwanted pregnancy. Protection is essential to maintaining the integrity of not only the couple, but everyone involved.

It is noteworthy that the issues raised above are not necessarily rules, but points to be considered both individually and as a couple.

What's cool and healthy is what's cool and healthy for every person. We love general rules, but really, doesn't that exist ?, says Ana. Armed with information, no one better than you to know what works in your relationship.

Love Lessons from Open Relationships | Kathy Slaughter | TEDxWabashCollege (April 2024)