Count the minutes to see that special person; be happy simply to be in her company; saying goodbye and, minutes later, already "missing you"; share plans for next weekend and also for the future? Some say that loving and being loved is really one of the best feelings!
But when love is unrequited, is the situation usually different? It often causes suffering and can diminish a person's self esteem.
And while not the only one, Platonic love is a kind of unrequited love. Is it associated with the idea of an unreachable, distant, impossible love?
Most people have heard of platonic love, but few really know what it means, and yet most believe it to be an exclusive teenage feeling.
Ceci Akamatsu, who has a degree in biology and various modalities of energy and holistic therapies, acquaintant therapist, Personare expert and author of the book? For Love to Happen? adolescence, time of passion for idols or the most popular girl or boy, older person, teachers etc. However, it can also occur at other stages of life.
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“Platonic love is often more associated with women because there is still, even if only unconsciously, the belief that it is the man who should seek the woman. The woman often waits to be matched while the man actively seeks validation of his love. With this, the woman ends up creating in this wait a platonic love ?, explains Ceci. “But whether we are men or women, we are subject to Platonic love at all ages. Do people with this more withdrawn attitude, less proactive in affective life, as in the case of shyness, end up being more subject to platonic love ?, he adds.
After all, what does platonic love mean?
Ceci explains that the term platonic love originates in Plato's work "The Banquet", which brings a philosophical dialogue about the definitions of love. ? Several faces of love are addressed, but it is Socrates who brings love as the pursuit of the beautiful and the good. That would be a search for what is missing, what is missing ?, he says.
Once you win love, you don't want it anymore, you don't love it anymore, but you want what it is going to be, that is, the love you don't have at the moment, what is missing . With this comes the idea of the search for love that is always beyond our reach ?, adds the expert.
Platonic love is often associated with the idea of unreachable, impossible love. "This distance and impossibility can be due to differences in age, social, cultural, prejudice, or simply an internal barrier of insecurity and fear of rejection," says Ceci.
Why does platonic love happen?
Ceci explains that one of the characteristics of Platonic love is admiration for the beloved. We put the person on a pedestal to worship him, dreaming and daydreaming about what love would be like. Is it an idealized love lived in illusion?
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The expert points out that, in general, one wonders exactly what one would like to have in oneself. That is, we admire what we consider to be missing in us. Thus, we end up searching in the other what we can find no way to emerge within ourselves: beauty, joy, intelligence, wealth, etc. ?, highlights.
Who is more prone to Platonic love?
Remember that platonic love is more associated with women, due to the belief that it is always the man who should seek the woman. In this sense, some women may wait to be matched, creating in this wait a platonic love. But this is far from the norm, since men can also live Platonic love, and anyone at any age is subject to it.
Ceci cites some factors that may eventually trigger the tendency to platonic love:
- Shyness;
- Fear of rejection;
- Old traumas, among others.
"However, we will always find the root of fears and insecurities in the lack of self-esteem and personal power," says the expert.
Ceci explains that self-love brings a sense of self-worth, the ability to see and take on oneself, as much as the positives as the negatives. “We usually relate self-esteem to looking good, but it's much more than that.Accepting one's own defects and weaknesses is critical to high self-esteem. Personal power is closely linked to self-esteem, as it is represented by our strength and perseverance, our ability to stand firm in our truth, even if it goes against the circumstances and the outside world?
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Can a platonic love be harmful?
But, after all, is there any problem wishing for an "impossible love"?
Ceci explains that if one stops living life and affective relationships to feed on platonic loves, it may be a sign that one is running away from the challenges of love in real life. "It can be a resistance to getting rid of the concept of perfect and idealized love, and to live real love, full of challenges," he says.
In the virtual world, according to the expert, it is possible to observe many of these platonic loves that, although matched and seem to be possible in real life, are experienced in an illusory way. We create illusions that are very close to reality by being on the threshold between the real and illusion. They are illusions disguised as reality, which feed a false fulfillment of love. That is, are loves also lived in illusion and that keep yours? of Platonism ?, he adds.
In this context, Ceci points out that the person can evaluate if it is a punctual case of Platonic love or if he lives most of the time in Platonic love. "In the second case, it may be very helpful to seek therapeutic help to help strengthen personal power and self-esteem, and thus begin to live more real and less idealized," he explains.
Reports of those who have lived platonic loves
Beatriz Silva Mantoni, 28, a publicist, says that for many years she has lived platonic love. “At the time, of course, I didn't realize it, although some friends tried to warn me. I was only interested in people who were clearly? Unreachable? and totally escaped from "real" relationships, that is, if I learned that a particular boy was interested in me, I said to myself that I couldn't get involved with him because I really liked the other that was "unreachable", he comments.
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Beatriz says that today she sees very clearly the reasons that led her to develop these platonic loves. “I was extremely insecure, especially with my appearance. Didn't I believe any boy could be interested in me for a long time? So it was much easier to invent impossible loves, so as not to have to deal directly with a possible rejection ?, he explains.
"It took me a while to understand all this, I can say that until I was 23 I had platonic love, but today I see everything as an experience?" I live a real relationship, feel very safe and never hope to feed again with a platonic love ?, adds Beatriz.
Kelli Sanches, 30, a teacher, reports that she also had some platonic love. “When I was 14, 15, I was only interested in much older men who didn't even know I existed. After a few years I started to relate (at a distance) to boys over the internet, which I never got to know? It took me a long time to meet someone with whom I was really interested and who could have a real relationship?
How to Avoid Platonic Loves
Looking inside yourself and answering some questions can help you understand if you have been attracted to platonic love: Have you ever fallen in love with unreachable people more than once? Do you believe it is very difficult to relate to another person? "The admiration you have for the person you're in love with makes you ignore other not-so-positive characteristics of her?" etc.
If we are always watching ourselves, seeking to strengthen our self-esteem and personal power, seeking within us that which will fill us and satisfy us, it helps us not to seek all this in the external world and in the loved one. With this, we reduce the chances of creating a platonic love ?, concludes expert Ceci.
Best of all, after all, is shared love. The relationship that goes through good and bad times, but above all, stays on the real plane.
5 Steps To Overcome A Platonic Love (April 2024)
- Relationships
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